it's been a time

[serpentinemalign]

cw suicide, abuse, etc

nobody is dead though, so that's good

i am at my parents house because yesterday i was the closest ive ever gotten to killing myself. i am waiting for a call back from the mental health team. they're going to assess me finally.

i think something broke inside me and it's not coming back

it's funny now my mom knows and she says things like "hmm that sounds like you're on an ego trip though :/" and she's right but it sucks because she just ignored it before!!!!

i feel absolutely disgusted in my abusers presence now he is dying and barely there. i feel barely able to call him my father. that's probably the worst part of being here.

i want to cry and cry and cry because there is just absolutely nothing beneath my surface and i have only recently found out the name for it. it's pathological narcissism.

it's really weird it's a chicken and egg scenario

i would always have had doubts i could really have a personality disorder if not for the therapy ive been doing that confirmed it for sure. the pages of reflection hold the evidence for every single bullet. because my therapist will ask me to contemplate who i am when im alone and the answer is nothing and no one. i draw endless silhouettes of myself in my journal full of words like "useless" and "lacking" like a parody of a mental health comic

i don't know what this means for my mental, hypnotic explorations. im probably not meant to accept a lack of selfhood? if that is also the source of the poison within me? very confusing. very libido killing. i guess that i have a proxy which is my self insert. they can do all that stuff for me. but the desire for that is much removed right now. it's weaker than it was. i don't have a replacement for it yet. nothing else has filled the void quite so well. so im spending an inordinate amount of time on twitter

to otherwise occupy myself right now im doing the 100 heads challenge, just working my way through a hundred different reference photos drawing 10 heads a day. brutal but my sameface is reducing, my confidence in construction is increasing, im trying out some different inking styles and brushes. after a fairly timid first ten I did 11-20 today and they actually were a sort of composition rather than being separate unrelated portraits, and i think I'm gonna expand on that, like try to treat my sketch pages as a whole cohesive piece from here.