thank you, + an update
May. 22nd, 2023 12:03 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
serpentinemalignfor those who got in contact with me after my last entry, i appreciate it more than i can express here. thank you so much. it means a lot to hear what is meaningful to you all and i enjoyed reading what you wrote. i will reply to everyone when i have the energy so i can thank you personally and respond in more detail. but thank you. i am so grateful and i hope to support you in turn one day when i am stronger - though i hope you will never need it as urgently.
things have been weird and frightening. different parts of my body are complaining and unfortunately thats making some usual hobbies more difficult and forcing that existentialism even harder, like, what am i if i am not this. but. i am still here.
i didnt anticipate how much of recovery would be faking it till i made it and just pushing through tons of things i dont actually want to do. delayed gratification is alien to me, and so is finding joy in lots of things.
a few years ago, i sneered at a therapist for suggesting 'fake it till you make it' as a mantra. it felt dreadfully inauthentic and cruel, like stomping myself down. i felt threatened.
of course in a sense i now know exactly the power of doing just that. thats how you train hypnotic subjecthood. you start by consciously playing along and not worrying too much if it's real and eventually you can do stuff automatically without thinking and it becomes magical. a lot of life is performative like that.
i didnt realise at the time with that old therapist, that i had built a false self. in some ways this knowledge is freeing. if my self is a false self and my real self is a little ball of flesh that hates everything (it came to me that way in my dreams like a slasher villain or something from hellraiser) i might as well do things that feel counter to it. i will face The Real and walk backwards into heaven.
im starting dbt soon. im going to do self help with books but then im doing group therapy. i have resisted the prospect of group therapy for so long but i think it might save me.
i keep thinking like that a lot the past couple days. 'i think x might save me'. an ice cream sneaked out of my parents freezer. trying to selfship in slightly kinder ways. making up silly names for goals that make them more gamified. wondering about contacting a spiritual leader, despite having no personal belief in anything of the sort. thinking about finding actual hypnotherapy tapes. ive resisted seeing a hypnotherapist, because i mean thats basically fetish mining. but tapes from a professional would be fine albeit impersonal.
i am desperate. i will take anything i can get. but, at least, my hands are open now. they have to be. this is my one chance.
things have been weird and frightening. different parts of my body are complaining and unfortunately thats making some usual hobbies more difficult and forcing that existentialism even harder, like, what am i if i am not this. but. i am still here.
i didnt anticipate how much of recovery would be faking it till i made it and just pushing through tons of things i dont actually want to do. delayed gratification is alien to me, and so is finding joy in lots of things.
a few years ago, i sneered at a therapist for suggesting 'fake it till you make it' as a mantra. it felt dreadfully inauthentic and cruel, like stomping myself down. i felt threatened.
of course in a sense i now know exactly the power of doing just that. thats how you train hypnotic subjecthood. you start by consciously playing along and not worrying too much if it's real and eventually you can do stuff automatically without thinking and it becomes magical. a lot of life is performative like that.
i didnt realise at the time with that old therapist, that i had built a false self. in some ways this knowledge is freeing. if my self is a false self and my real self is a little ball of flesh that hates everything (it came to me that way in my dreams like a slasher villain or something from hellraiser) i might as well do things that feel counter to it. i will face The Real and walk backwards into heaven.
im starting dbt soon. im going to do self help with books but then im doing group therapy. i have resisted the prospect of group therapy for so long but i think it might save me.
i keep thinking like that a lot the past couple days. 'i think x might save me'. an ice cream sneaked out of my parents freezer. trying to selfship in slightly kinder ways. making up silly names for goals that make them more gamified. wondering about contacting a spiritual leader, despite having no personal belief in anything of the sort. thinking about finding actual hypnotherapy tapes. ive resisted seeing a hypnotherapist, because i mean thats basically fetish mining. but tapes from a professional would be fine albeit impersonal.
i am desperate. i will take anything i can get. but, at least, my hands are open now. they have to be. this is my one chance.
