snowflake challenge #3: screaming into the void about internalised shame in fandom

i remembered the image this time! be proud of me!

In your own space, Scream Into the Void. Get it all out. Leave a comment in this post saying you did it. Include a link to your post if you feel comfortable doing so.

okay let's talk about my fandom hot take that only people in private have been exposed to... until now. the core of modern-day fandom cruelty and nastiness is personal, internalised shame externalised out onto the world.

i feel this in my heart, not my head. it's not something i can quantify. i see it in the quote retweeted posts floating around on my twitter... but i could really just be seeing myself reflected, because i am a very self-absorbed person.

i'm not here to talk about other people's bad takes, because that will be anything but cathartic, honestly; that's just giving people free board in my head (and your mind is the only place it's okay to be a ruthless landlord).

i'm here to talk about my own shame, and how it led me to this conclusion.

i said this is cntw but i will be talking about noncon fantasies so please only read if you feel fine to do that!

some of you will know that this is not my first account. i've been in fandom for almost 15 years, and 'serpentine malign' as a handle is only 4 years old. i'm thrilled by the friends and mutuals i've made since. the freedom it's been to just be horny on main, talk openly about ALL my kinks, refuse to censor myself, and quietly but firmly align myself with other fans advocating for creative expression. but let's be real! what motivated me to create this new presence was something between fear and paranoia. i wanted to start from scratch, vet my followers and curate my space from the start, because it's easier to build a fortress on a fresh foundation than try to patch up a house rotting from the inside.

i moved to this handle because fandom had become an uncomfortable and unwelcoming place, and because my tastes were only getting more fucked up. it started in my mid-teens and only got worse from there. i started getting nasty and passive aggressive and judgmental people on extremely innocuous posts, and in response i too became nasty and passive aggressive and judgmental. it's a cycle. it makes you tremendously paranoid because you just don't know what's going to inspire hatred and snide comments so you adjust your behaviour to anticipate an impossible amount of vitriol.

my tumblr dash was a hostile place full of horrible takes that kept me up at night. i just freefell into it being that way one day. i was addicted to the discourse. and just trying to fill a void i hadn't acknowledged inside myself, a hole created by repression and shame.

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