one more sleepless night

• i am in the self help binge/purge cycle once again of watching productivity youtubers and making notes and doing just about nothing
• i am thinking about how easy it is to lose touch with people on the internet and how desperately i want to cling to social connections but also how desperately i want to put up walls and NOT talk and not keep in touch. because im self-absorbed and the very damaged part of me who craves perpetual attention (even from myself) asks how will i do anything of my own if i am not constantly in my own head and right now i am foolishly listening. speaking of which, sorry for not really checking in with anyone lately
• similarly i am thinking about how i wonder if this experience is unique to my specific situation, being in lots of very volatile social groups growing up both in my friends but also my family, or if this is something everyone goes through and your twenties is just all about learning about everyone's worst points and the kinds of rock bottom we can tolerate from others
• i am also thinking about how i will be like, officially in my late twenties next year and how i do feel like i've reached the top of the hump of this godforsaken decade but im still pretty high up there and liable to fall off and get hurt
• i think that some of the huge tasks ahead of me, i might just want to kind of. monotask and blast through them one by one instead of getting stuck. like if i am tending towards monotasking in my less exhausting hobbies (video games, knitting) i need to monotask with my more involving ones too. i only recently discovered that 'monotasking' is, in fact, generally not seen as a bad thing but for me i associate it with being chronically understimulated because i spent the entire day on my phone or on my switch
• nanowrimo and hypnovember just started, i am behind on both
• however, i am enjoying the many many files being put out by the hypno community in this lovely season
• i am going to put a bandaid on tonight's sleep deprivation with some yoga and a hot shower
• silicon valley is the best yaoi i have ever watched and my partner agrees