off kilter

[serpentinemalign]

it's 6am, and I am eating breakfast before I go to sleep

today, I had to sign out of work early and cancel on friend plans to take a lengthy nap

When I sleep at the normal times I keep having nightmares about insects

it feels sort of like emotional malaise

When I started therapy my therapist showed me a diagram, and on either ends are the responses you can have when you are acutely distressed - anger and anxiety, or depression and dissociation. I just finished therapy, and it's like now I'm just approaching the same problem from the dissociation end. Nothing has changed, the amount of distressing situations remains high, but I have changed, and arguably for the better in that I am no longer a problem for other people to deal with. but, man.

When I'm on autopilot I'm spacing out for most of the day and when I'm actively able to acknowledge it I feel like the same core is overloading as always but I'm now behind a bulletproof glass pane just sitting there watching it. I'm feeling a lot of grief for the amount of time it's taken to get here, and yet I still have even more to do.