cluster b(lues)

[serpentinemalign]

im 90% i have a cluster b disorder and i am hitting brick walls trying to get any kind of help from the nhs and the last time i tried which was literally 5 YEARS AGO the first time i thought i might have BPD!!! (i now think it's actually npd but i should have been assessed for them all really) they just sent me off for cbt and i was on the waiting list for 2 years before finally getting shitty cbt for 'anxiety issues' via online chat

i am tremendously fucking angry and indignant and sad because ultimately it was still my fault what happened next, that i just continued to be a toxic and hurtful person, but i have a persecution complex the size of the sun so the wrongs I've been dealt hold double the weight of any harm I can do. just like me bitching and feeling like a victim and like i have been seriously wronged because my ex and i don't want the same things in the midst of the pandemic.

so it feels like, I wasted 5 years thinking I just had anxiety and I can just breathe and do yoga through it all and one day I'll be normal instead of being a fundamentally toxic person with no capability or desire to relate to people as equals deserving of respect. I needed and continue to need serious fucking help. I love to feel like a vehicle careening into a crowd of pedestrians by neglect, by a missing or asleep driver, instead of a person with agency who made lots of horrible decisions.

i am seeing a therapist now but i think im gonna have to break it off and find someone else. i thought i was 'in recovery' but while I'm having lots of cries and epiphanies i think i drew her in and made her feel too bad for me and she can't see me in a negative light now. im very good at that.

and it's a bank holiday weekend but I wanted help NOW but I can't write a referral request to my GP because they now only accept online requests in office hours. and I fear that I am going to hit Tuesday and I will simply not do anything at all because by then I will have paved over my own self realisations with denial and lies by omission

I have such a narrow window in which I have the self awareness to do this and it's closing fast and im scared. i want to fucking stop being this person so fucking badly but apparently not badly enough to wait a few days so i can try again to get through the GP gatekeeping. it's pathetic. everyone in my life is going to tire of getting hurt when they try to help me.

but, I've set an alarm on Tuesday to see if I can submit a request then. so, there we go. proactivity. let's see if i can handle doing the decent thing on tuesday.

in the meantime my ex was erroneously prescribed dbt for a condition they didn't actually have. they shared the workbook they were given with me 3 years ago, actually because I asked for it. i did nothing with it because i didn't think i had a personality disorder. i think I now need to do something with it.