serpentinemalign | we'll be back to regularly scheduled content soon

i can't stop dreaming of the events of the past few months

they just keep repeating again and again. in fact even in the dreams themselves I'm like, "again?"

i try to play silly meaningless repetitive games but the events all replay in my head and i think these lurid fantasies of being much more important and surrounded by much more vindictive people than I actually am. in fact im surrounded by extremely gracious people giving me far more space than I deserve

im just in a loop. escaping feels impossible.

it's hypnokink zine week though. so, maybe that can distract me.

i don't know when living starts? and my life stops being a long series of distractions and attempts to numb out however possible and decline human connection and be cold and cruel to people?

it's weird i now understand why that one character spoke to me so much in my teens it was because they believed so firmly in the world's harshness that they made it their lifes mission to bring more cruelty into being. to generate the evidence.

the real version of that is vastly more unconscious and vastly more miserable, like that ursula leguin quote