serpentinemalign | weird things

- i remember more of my childhood than i did 5 years ago.

i remember extremely little of being at university, and was shocked to discover some old photographs on my laptop i don't remember taking. doing anything even remotely adjacent to what i studied at uni puts me in the dissociation station and makes it quite impossible to engage with it.
music is healing me right now. i am writing songs for my inner child.
work was rough this week. i've been cooped up inside all week after getting sick from an unknown cause (dont wanna risk giving anyone covid, which it could be. yay! life under a 4 year pandemic is so fun), and i couldn't get much done. found out on friday we may have lost a client, and that's partially my fault due to something i forgot about BEFORE getting sick. i am treated well at my job (writing this, i feel sort of like a pet in a shelter, put up for adoption with all my microchips and inoculations in place - the bare minimum of humane care, in other words) and i am unlikely to suffer consequences beyond an 'okay, how do we prevent this from happening again' conversation. but i feel i have to justify my existence double because i'm not being exploited the way i would in another job. i think 90% of my brainwashing fetish is just making peace with the late capitalist ideology knocking around my head like a dvd player screensaver in spite of my best efforts to deprogram myself. the situation's been unavoidably percolating in my brain which SUCKS! it is the WEEKEND! but i hate uncertainty and want to be back at work and able to fix things.
i digitised my book collection to help encourage me to work through it. it is tremendously cool that my entire library of 150 physical books (and more - i downloaded many, many more) can fit on a device the size of my palm. doing this also opened up the possibility of sorting my book collection by length, which i've been wanting to do for a while, because i feel the attention rot of being on social media so voraciously over the past few years, that reading feels much too Big to begin. so i read the shortest book in my collection.
the book was 'things have gotten worse since we last spoke' by eric larocca. it was very tight and gloriously tense, but i actually wish it had been longer; i wanted to stay with the characters because to me there just wasnt enough time to flesh them out. lots of really nice imagery, and good to have a kindred spirit with the 'fashion is gore, actually. second skin.' imagery. it is odd to read a book with a semi-similar premise to the one i'm working on (perhaps this is the root of not seizing absolutely every book with joy, fear of discovering one's own unoriginality), but also i was glad that there was enough to distinguish them, and their aims and underlying themes are ultimately quite different.
im gonna go do my stupid dbt that works to try and untangle this work situation. then i'm going to go to sleep yay :)