mal vs. exhaustion round 3

so after being ill earlier this month, and going down burnout-inducing rabbit hole of Big Creative Opportunity, and doing the surgical procedure this week... i am so Fucking Tired. i had to take today off work because i woke up with a headache so bad i could barely open my eyes.

i struggle with that, having literally more desires to Do Things than my body can handle. and literally i am so aware of the fact that pushing myself is dangerous but i keep wanting to do it anyway. i think, like, getting in touch with my desires and existence is also noting that i DO just naturally want to spin a lot of plates and it is very frustrating when i just Can't and i can see things start to fall apart. i am very grateful for my partner right now. they have had a rough week even besides taking care of me.

but yeah. idk. i thought that my tendency to do absolutely everything was induced by external pressure. but my depression is very directly correlated with my ability to do stuff. i just slept most of today, and i think i needed it, but god it is frustrating. trying to find things that are JUST engaging and low-energy enough to be doable is... difficult. i've mostly just been playing video games lol