deep-set lethargy

[serpentinemalign]

something about this past week man. i feel like the days are bleeding into each other right now, and all i want to do is sleep. so this journal is i guess an effort to pull myself out of the sludge.

• i get antsy when my life feels monotonous. it does right now. i feel like i'm struggling to tell days apart. it's been kind of cold and miserable outside, so it is harder to justify me going out to work somewhere outside. covid cases appear to be on the rise again.

• i also feel very frustrated. my wrist pain is back and i have an ear problem which means i can't even like... use headphones. so for most of the day, doing anything musical is out unless i can play it out loud. video games i can play are limited, i can't draw for very long, and music is not as fun. writing is basically the one thing that's adaptable because i can dictate by voice even if i can't use my hands. but... it's hard. i'm contemplating booting up 4thewords after this and just attempting to write SOMETHING.

• i think creativeclash taught me a very useful thing, which was to alternate passion project stuff with stuff i'm willingly committing to but may not always have energy and motivation for. i guess that today would be a day to do passion project stuff, but again, it does feel limited because of the physical limitations today.

• i kinda hate work socials because despite the very low stakes, i usually manage to put my foot in my mouth anyway. just had full body cringe from something i said at a recent work social and i don't even know if it's normal social neuroticism or like, actually what i said was rude. to some extent, i feel like i have loosened up and my mask has weakened because of... going to therapy and practicing whole self acceptance or whatever. but it means that i am more liable to make mistakes and not project perfection at all times.

• i reinstalled the sims 4 and have been basically exclusively in create-a-sim this whole time. this game is my hefty photo studio for building layouts for settings in my stories, and doing cute photoshoots of blorbos, ocs, etc. i did try the ts4 'live mode' gameplay itself some years ago... i was not super impressed. i think to some extent that style of gameplay has just run its course with me and is mostly a nostalgia thing now. and from the reviews it seems true that this is like, the best game for building and making sims, but probably the worst for actually letting them live their lives. i think sims 3 was, gameplay-wise, the smoothest and most open, but i always found the ts3 sims quite uncanny and difficult to get to look good. sims 2 was so well supported by mods and the additional content from the expansions felt substantial and worth it. sims drama is also just... incredibly fun to follow because it is so meaningless. it feels like very much a microcosm of many bad habits from fandom as a whole. i must admit it is hard to avoid because you can see its ghosts in people's ToS for their mods. true hauntology. anyone remember garden of shadows? lol. the general forums were so bitchy and cliquey, but i felt soooo cool being a babybat there.