serpentinemalign | quick update

feels like my body is just falling apart right now. loaaads of annoying medical things. mental disorders making the medical things worse (ocd and dermatillomania yayyyy). the mental toll of every day feels so much more and bigger when there is just. so much medication to take, and plan around the rest of my day. the problems got way worse than they would have been because my doctor has been awol. i found out the other day that they just changed their whole scheduling system, which has apparently caused chaos. so. thats fun!

rather than doing a big project that would have saddened me in slow motion i have instead signed up to... sing at an event in two weeks, for a cause i believe in. it might not happen and i did warn them that my illnesses might make it tricky, but i would do my best. i have never done any solo singing before, like, as a performance. i've only ever sung in choirs etc. terrified, but hopeful that the music will carry. also i already ordered my outfit (all thrifted!). so if im not in tune, im at least gonna look cute.

i figured out recently that i have like... 6 hours of good time per day where i have enough willpower to like, do things i DON'T intrinsically want to do. sometimes (a lot of the time) that includes creative things. but mostly i have been like... tracking that time gently and realising that a lot of those 6 hours go towards basic survival. a lot of the time i do not intrinsically want to eat, go to bed, maintain personal hygiene, go outside, interact with friends. i never intrinsically want to work, and so workdays, that takes up the entire bucket. these are things that fill up my 6-hour bucket very quickly, but are obviously very necessary, for either monetary or survival reasons. they leave little to no time for things that take willpower but are rewarding to me in terms of creativity and passion and hyperfixation. personal achievement, even - having spent time on a labour of love and felt proud of the finished result. and... i think i am really having to grieve and make peace with the fact that i have lost a lot over the past 4 years, if not decade. and i am in safe mode. and burnout is nipping at my heels, or maybe i'm neck deep and just didnt notice.

i hope i will get back there but i probably do just have to focus on resting for now. taking the gentlest of steps. doing things that indulge those fixations but arent as brain heavy, because right now i am barely able to like. read anything long-form. i am enjoying watching lots of movies, especially if they inspire me with their boldness. i finally converted a bunch of office episodes to do character supercuts. research for my office fancomic that is just going to be a lot of robert and gabe and ryan having really freaky sadomasochistic sex and being horrible people. it's a show with LOTS of minute and mundane detail, so i would like it to carry that across, as a little joke for those who know the show very well.