4am doubts
Feb. 6th, 2023 04:24 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
serpentinemalignI am up late as I desperately do not want to get up tomorrow :(
I really love my job, it is the coolest job I have ever had and I am very grateful for it, but I have shot myself in the foot because I suggested a project that was an event and it turns out that when I do that... I then have to actually put on the event and be there at the event. And that has dawned on me and is kicking my ass. I need to be enthusiastic and positive and I just do not feel strong enough to put on that mask :(
the site update progress is slow and has turned a little anxiety inducing but I don't know why. I think I'm trying to strike a balance between fanciful and easy to read and it might just be that I have to pick one. Version 1 of the site was of course far into the easy to read column but this one is... hm. it's indulging some fun parts of late 2000s/early 2010s fannish web design I remember, but idk if it makes for the best experience. I'm adding embellishments to make some elements stand out better and I'm not sure how well it's all gelling together even though I think the individual elements are really pretty. i will probably have to make some hard decisions.
One flaw of adding a grid framework to my site is it is now so fun and easy to make complex layouts but sometimes you do not need that! Sometimes it's a distraction from the content lol
i had a beautiful and transcendental experience in trance today listening to some brainwashing audio. i was longing to be in dollspace, to be intrinsically non-human and empty and manipulable, but it made me realise that my experiences and longings in subspace vs the needs my therapist has told me i need to consider are at agonising odds. i have always felt a major contradiction between the emptiness of trance vs the emptiness of genuinely lacking emotion and selfhood and presence in the world, if only because one is chosen and one is a symptom of -static noises to represent my bouquet of mental conditions-. it is possible i will continue struggling to assemble a sense of self if i continually indulge in shedding it temporarily for fun and sex. my fetishes are actually pretty much the only solid part of me right now and that is... a weird anchor to have.
this is a nice place to vent, thank you for allowing me some space to :) hope to catch up on my reading page tomorrow in a free moment.
I really love my job, it is the coolest job I have ever had and I am very grateful for it, but I have shot myself in the foot because I suggested a project that was an event and it turns out that when I do that... I then have to actually put on the event and be there at the event. And that has dawned on me and is kicking my ass. I need to be enthusiastic and positive and I just do not feel strong enough to put on that mask :(
the site update progress is slow and has turned a little anxiety inducing but I don't know why. I think I'm trying to strike a balance between fanciful and easy to read and it might just be that I have to pick one. Version 1 of the site was of course far into the easy to read column but this one is... hm. it's indulging some fun parts of late 2000s/early 2010s fannish web design I remember, but idk if it makes for the best experience. I'm adding embellishments to make some elements stand out better and I'm not sure how well it's all gelling together even though I think the individual elements are really pretty. i will probably have to make some hard decisions.
One flaw of adding a grid framework to my site is it is now so fun and easy to make complex layouts but sometimes you do not need that! Sometimes it's a distraction from the content lol
i had a beautiful and transcendental experience in trance today listening to some brainwashing audio. i was longing to be in dollspace, to be intrinsically non-human and empty and manipulable, but it made me realise that my experiences and longings in subspace vs the needs my therapist has told me i need to consider are at agonising odds. i have always felt a major contradiction between the emptiness of trance vs the emptiness of genuinely lacking emotion and selfhood and presence in the world, if only because one is chosen and one is a symptom of -static noises to represent my bouquet of mental conditions-. it is possible i will continue struggling to assemble a sense of self if i continually indulge in shedding it temporarily for fun and sex. my fetishes are actually pretty much the only solid part of me right now and that is... a weird anchor to have.
this is a nice place to vent, thank you for allowing me some space to :) hope to catch up on my reading page tomorrow in a free moment.
